just like jesse james

Dog and I are having our issues ‘getting in’ with the dog park crew. Three houses down, at the end of our block, is an unofficial dog park. It’s a big open field set up for soccer or baseball games but is mostly used as an off leash area for pups and peeps of all kinds.

We’ve been there several times now and each time has been it’s own individual adventure but I’ll start at the beginning. The first trip to the park…

A few weeks ago on a Tuesday:

We get there at 6:45 a.m. Sun is shining and the park is empty. At this point I had had dog for all of 4 days. Dog and I play fetch and chase each other and are having a great time when, all of a sudden, a herd of 7 humans and 5 dogs come marching in. The peaceful field is all of a sudden over-run with foofy AKC dogs and well dressed, perky, already showered and caffeinated humans (dog and I are none of these things).

I thought, ‘Ok, we’ll just see how dog does with this. Personally, I am totally overwhelmed and now, overly aware of my sweatpants, slippers, and rainbow coffee mug but dog will be fine. Dog did pretty well but got a little nervous with all of the different noses all up in her business, as did I. The first few minutes were a sniffing free for all. No genitals went unchecked… and then double checked. Dog and I made it through that but when the balls began to fly she became completely indiscriminate and started to chase them all.

She is part retriever and this instinct is unstoppable. If she sees you make something go away she will bring it back, regardless of who or what. I can tell that she thinks this is her duty in life, and she loves her job. She is so proud to bring it back to you, whatever it is, who ever you are, like, “Hey, you dropped this. Here you go. Found it. Found it for you, cause you had it and then you didn’t, but now you do again cause I went and got it and brought it back for you as fast as I could. I can do that again if need be. Actually, I would really like to do that again. Go ahead, try me… throw it, hide it, toss it, drop it, anything! Seriously, I’ll run as fast as I can and bring it right back. It’s what I do. Ok, ready!?!”

I thought it was hilarious, and although it was rude in the human world to be chasing ODB (other dog’s balls) in dog’s world she was multitasking and doing everyone a great service. Plus, the other dogs were having a blast chasing each other and trying to catch her. Anyway, I couldn’t stop her from doing that or get her to focus on her own ball and decided we had had enough for our first morning at the park.

When I went to put her leash on I crouched down and asked her to sit, which she usually does on command. However, this time she took my asking her to sit as a request for a big bear hug and as her paws lifted for my shoulders I lost my balance and she sort of knocked me over with a big kiss, which, again, I found totally adorable and amusing. I laughed, gave her a kiss back and then this woman standing less than ten feet away loudly mentions to the man standing next to her, “That dog needs obedience school!”

I wish there was a way to recreate the tone she used. It was so loaded, so snobby. It was like this exclusive, members-only, doggy-mommy group and dog and I snuck in. I was the new, uninvited, mom- the sloppy, careless dyke mom with the new, hyper, out of control kid. And I don’t know where this woman comes from but the way she said it made it feel like we were having one of those sitcom moments, where the people in the living room are talking about the people in the kitchen, and even though there is no barrier between the rooms and they are less than ten feet away the people in the kitchen magically can’t hear the people in the living room talking about them… only I could hear her, because we are not on tv and I was right freakin’ there.

Bad! Rude woman! No! No barking at the new folks just because her dog is faster than your dog! It took me off guard enough that I didn’t respond, which is still driving me crazy.

I got home, recounted the whole event to Violet and we spent the rest of our morning coming up with witty, snippy, come backs. The way that Violet was just as offended as me over something so silly was great and made me feel like we were very much in this together. And ooh, did she have some things to say to that woman! Dog and I are well equipped to run into her again, let me tell you.

Requested by one of my very favorites, Mr. Sinclair Sexsmith, I am finally posting one of the very best videos/songs ever made. She emailed her request this morning noting that, “ it’s the first cher video I remember as a teen and uh, damn, those LEGS. hooooly mama”.

You said it Sin, hooooly mama! She also mentioned that in middle school she made an entire tape of this song which just repeated over and over and over again, on both sides. Love it!

My top two tied memories to this song are:

1. Requesting it on the popular radio station in high school to be dedicated to my then-boyfriend (who is finally an out-fag… finally!) after playing a pretty mean prank on him the week before (he forgave me and got me back the following year. I was very impressed).

2. A few years ago, (before Violet!) I ended up at a Greek party in Arizona (and by Greek, I mean, people from Greece, not frat-brats). After a long night of some Greek chant followed by shots of Oozo and eventually coming up with the fabulous plan to secretly recruite all of the girls at the party to sneak out and go skinny dipping with me, I came back to the house sopping wet, like, “oh hey guys, ya, your girlfriend is still in the pool” and supposedly proceeded to bellow a very passionate karaoke rendition of this song. Well, that’s what my friends reported the next day anyway. Oh Oozo! And to top off that story-for-another-time, there wasn’t even music in the background. So, really, I guess I was just holding a microphone, swaying about, soaking wet, singing my heart out, a cappella style. Oh Cher, if that is not love (tucked into the worst hangover i have ever had) , I don’t know what is.

If I could turn back time would I do it all again, you ask? Clever question. And Yes.

Happy Friday-eve all. Happy Cherday! Enjoy.

Insider tip: the guitar player in this video is her son, Elijah, brother from a different father to Chastity.

My routine with Fraidy has been much the same every day, including weekends. Only now it involves Fraidy, dog and me. And on the weekends I switch things up a bit and go out to see him right after I’ve made myself a cup of coffee.

I grab the mug, the fish flakes and dog and I go out to the back yard. I clean the pond with a net, which gets Fraidy all worked up, dog watches Fraidy flip around, which makes dog’s ears perk up and flip around, I toss in some flakes and watch the fish-shark hunt his flakes.

This Saturday, I woke up a little earlier than usual, made my jo and out to the pond we went. There is a little wire fence around the pond that becomes electric at night so that Marcus and his crew cannot go midnight skinny dipping. This fence has obviously worked… until this Saturday. Dog and I stood over what was an unusually still and clear pond and could see all the way to the bottom. I looked around, which is not much to look around at and saw no fish. I panicked for a second and continued to look under the few hiding places - poked the net around and no fish flipped.

No fish.

I panicked even more. I looked around and noticed that part of the wire fence had been knocked down and it looked as though someone (Marcus?) had made a little ruckus around where the fence had been knocked down. My disbelief admitted to my brain that Fraidy had been found… and potentially eaten. My heart and the plastic can of fish flakes fell to the ground. I looked at dog and asked, “Where’s Friady!?! Huh?!?!” She galloped around the yard, nose to the ground and looked everywhere, including under the deck, which made me wonder if Marcus was under there sleeping with fish on his breath.

I stared at the pond for what seemed like too long before I just started to chant, in a whisper, “He’s gone. Fraidy’s gone!”

I went inside and immediately Violet asked why the long face. I told her. Her first reaction was light hearted denial. “No, he’s just hiding. That’s what he does.” I told her I looked everywhere, which wasn’t a whole lot of anywhere to look and he just wasn’t there.

I got on with my day as best as I could. Every few thoughts or so my brain would say, “Your fish is gone! Is he really gone?… Knock it off, he’s just a fish.”

My heart hurt. It really really hurt. He was such a good guy. And although I’ve battled with whether or not Fraidy gave a shit about me or not, he did. He really did. When I would come out there he immediately swam to the surface and smiled at me. I know you’re wondering if a fish can smile and I’ll tell you, right here, right now, yes, they can.

So, my day went as it did. Violet and I, ironically enough, went out for sushi that night and it was a wonderful date. I tried to get him out of my head over a few shots of sake but as soon as we got home dog and I ran back outside to stare into the still, lifeless pond… and… there he was. That little shit of a fish was just swimming around like, “Oh hey Jesse, wassup with you? Nice weather we’re having, huh?”

Jerk.

And thank the fishgods.

Monday morning. 6:45 a.m. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze and roll over towards Violet:

me: I’m very jealous that you get to fall back to sleep after I get up.

V: I don’t fall back asleep.

me: Oh please. I come back in here after my shower and you’re sound asleep.

V: No I’m not. I’m just lying here.

me: Doing what?

V: Thinking.

me: With your eyes closed?

V: Yep.

me: Well, I’m going to think with my eyes closed earlier tonight. I’m tired.

Wow, all of a sudden Cherday turned to Cherevening. Regardless, here we go…

POP QUIZ!

(once you start this quiz you are not allowed to go through old jljj posts until you are finished. I have linked the answer to each question- once you have answered you may click on the link)

1. Cher is the goddess of all things _______ and fabulous. (If you didn’t get this one you are in big trouble)

2. Cher won an academy award for what movie? (I haven’t actually mentioned this on my blog but seriously, you should know)

3. What kind of dog is Cher holding in the Dove L’amore video? (if you tell me WHY she is holding that dog you get extra credit points!)

4. ______ ________ from ___ ______ _____ filled in for Cheron Cherday once.

5. Cher called David Letterman an @&*%#$!.

6. ” Does he love you? You want to know? How can you tell if he loves you so?
A. It is in his eyes
B. It is in his face
C. It is in his warm embrace
D. It is in his kiss

7. I was listening to ______ __ ______ when I found cap’n who n’ da’ crew.

8. Who says, “I want to be a notty little devil?”

9. Cher thinks _______ ________ should be president.

10. Jack, from Will and Grace, tells Cher, “Hey, hey, you’re not that great ______ ______!”

11. The first Cherday post was what song? (and did you or did you not succumb to the incredibly irresistible urge to jump on top of your desk/table/workbench/counter top when you heard it?)

12. The next cherday post should be?

(send your answers to my gmail account: jessejamesblog(at)gmail(dot)com)

Thanks for playing. If you think you might have flunked, no big deal, just spend a little more time in the cher thursday catagory.

• Your pants pockets contain a combination of keys, receipts, plastic poop bag, chapstick, gum and smashed up doggie treats
• You begin to drop your R’s and L’s. “Whos da widdle doggie who weally wants a tweet!?!”
• Other people’s dogs are not very interesting anymore
• Coming back from a farmer’s market with a bag of fresh vegetables in one hand and a bag of shit in the other hand feels normal
• The squeak from a squeaky toy doesn’t annoy you
• You want more squeaky toys
• Standing in one spot and throwing a ball over and over again is entertaining
• You never have to sweep the kitchen floor
• Peeing with a head in your lap doesn’t seem weird
• Your partner starts saying to you, “Come here, girl, come on!” in the same tone as for the dog
• Pig ears end up on the grocery list
• You trip over animal bones on the living room floor in the middle of the night and smile about it
• Poop becomes a regular dinner conversation piece between you and your partner
• You want to go home right after work instead of meeting friends for happy hour
• Somehow the new, slobbery, four legged, tail waggin’ roommate makes you and your partner start using the word ‘family’
• You have a blog category titled “dog days”

did I forget any?

Showing her worldly ability with song, style and rhythm, Cher goes flamenco style. The song is great, the video is sexy (except for that weird little dog on her lap… that at one point is on film yawning… white tall femme, Cher?)

Anyway, this song is lesser known and is slightly more advanced in Cherness. But if y’all have been keeping up with Cherday then you are more than ready. In fact, I’d say, if this was a sequential course and you’ve been paying attention y’all would be in Cher 201 at this point. Maybe I should test you just to make sure… ya, that’s what I’ll do. Don’t be surprised if a pop quiz pops up in the not so distant future. If you review your Cherday material you will be fine.

Happy Friday-eve, all. Happy Cherday.

Violet, dog and I took a lovely long weekend away, travelling and camping around and on near by islands. The weather was increadible and the three of us had nothing short of a fabulous time. The whole adventure was quite wonderful (there just might be pictures to follow). And as rude as the work-morning was this morning, it wasn’t Monday, which I took as a peace offering.

So, just a few minutes ago I get to work, check my email while chatting with Sinclair and I get this offer to take a “What L-Word character are you?” from a myfacespacebook friend. I have never done one of these but it beats trying to catch up on last weeks work. So I take it. It was quick and painless until… the results:

The L Word: Which Character Are You?

You are JENNY

Did someone say drama queen? Your troubled past has left you emotionally fragile and prone to being self-absorbed. You can count the people you trust on one hand, but you’re extremely loyal to those people.

AaaaaaaaAAAaaAaAaAaaAaAAaaaaaaaaaaa… AAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAHhhHhHHhHhHhh!… NooOOoOOooOoooooOOoOoOOOOOOOOOOoooooOoOOOoOoooOooOOO! How can this be? I am my own worst L-Word nightmare!!!

The scariest part was my inability to disagree… minus the drama king part, of course.

So, here’s your chance to get to get to know the Goddess of all things sparkly and fabulous while not performing. This is her third or fourth interview with David Letterman. It’s fairly obvious that she is a bit leery of him and doesn’t find him terribly interesting but puts up with him in a playful way. It’s also obvious that he is totally intimidated (which I love). In the interview previous to this one, a few years back, she admitted to him (and anyone who saw the show) that she thought he was an asshole. And somehow, that word fell out of her mouth like glitter. Can she really do no wrong? The interview is a bit long in blog-attention-span-time but it’s Cher for gawdsakes, you’ll have fun. Guaranteed or money back.

Happy Friday eve, all. Happy Cherday. Enjoy.