With all of us sitting in a circle, in little plastic desks, in my old high school, there was a room full of young, springy attentive eyes, like all of the questions had all already been asked years ago and everyone was still waiting, with bated breath, for answers.
One of the two teachers that have (bravely and not without backlash) volunteered to watch over this club said, “Well, why don’t we start out by introducing ourselves.” I told them who I was and that I went to this school 40,000 years ago. They giggled. Marie introduced herself. And as the students went around saying their names and what grade they were in it was remarkable how easy it was to remember myself then- so unpolished and so young.
Two of the girls were blushing madly and couldn’t actually make eye contact with me while telling me their names. I remember that feeling too- how anything lesbian-ish at all would just set my chest on fire and make my already awkward existence even more awkward. Like the first time I heard that song, “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” on the radio. I remember the moment exactly:
I was getting ready for school, adding mad amounts of Aqua Net hairspray to my long, long blond hair when this new song started playing on the radio. The song was good, I like it. And then, all of a sudden, Sophie B. Hawkins ever so stealthily slipped in this line, “I lay by the ocean making love to her with visions clear…” And I froze. I think my heart might have stopped and I know I stopped breathing. I absolutely could not believe what she just said! I was frozen like a statue of myself. I looked in the mirror, unable to move- I looked like the statue of liberty, holding a hairspray bottle over my head like a torch. And as accidental as that last reference was, hearing that line in that song woke up a deep, dark place in me that I didn’t even know about, and set something inside of me free. Something in me, in who I was, started to move, and I felt really, really alive… and terrified, in a good way. And now that I think about it, it might have been the first time I felt totally out of control of my body’s reaction to feeling sexual. I couldn’t not feel, let alone stop, that sharp electric ripple that whipped down through my spine and physically forced me to curl forward and wrap my arms around that weirdly-good nausea feeling that had gone off like a bomb in my tummy (that I would feel for the second time ever, kissing Marie for the first time later that same year.)
Ok, back to the meeting: There are ten or eleven students, a teacher, a guidance counselor, Marie and me (sounds like the beginning of a bad joke.) After we all introduced ourselves, one boy, who I instantly adored, immediately raised his hand with a subtle swoosh while simultaneously asking me, “Ok, seriously, I need to know. Do you think your life has changed much since high school or not really so much?”
Marie and I both laughed a little. I responded, “Um, yes. I would say my life has changed very, very much since I went to this school.
A girl raised her hand and asked Marie how she knew me. We both knew this girl was really asking, “Why is this straight woman here?” Marie said, well, like I said, I am married to a man and have two kids now, right? But in high school I was dating jesse. She was my girlfriend for a long time actually, 4 or 5 years and the first person I was in love with.” And womp. Every. Single. Jaw. Fell. It was great. This was exactly why I wanted Marie to come with me.
“You mean, you were both gay in high school?!? Together!?!” A different girl asked, still unable to make eye contact. Marie nodded and explained that no one knew of course. “No one!” She said, “It was too dangerous. Can you imagine falling in love for the first time, or even having a really big crush on someone and not being able to tell anyone! Not your mom, your friends, no one.” Most heads shook side to side while a few kids made it obvious that, yes, indeed they do know how that feels.
The same boy that I totally adore raised his hand and said, “Here’s the deal. I’m Mexican, duh! And my mom knows I’m gay but I haven’t told my dad yet. And my mom always says that it makes her sad that I’m, you know, gay or whatever, cause she doesn’t want people to make my life hard. She says if I tell people I’m gay I’ll lose friends or not get jobs or get to live where I want to or whatever. She says that being gay or whatever is just going to be way hard. What do you think, jesse? Is it totally way hard? Does that stuff really happen?”
I had already decided, before this meeting, that I was only here to support these awesome kids, not to teach them really. They can teach each other but maybe I can help guide things a little. They already know a lot, they are very self aware and this is their club, their experience. But most likely they don’t have the language for a lot of things yet, that they might be thinking or trying to say, that I could help with. Like the question my sweet, fabulous boy just asked- there’s some internalized homophobia in there, right? And I don’t need to teach them vocabulary (yet!) or how to spell it, but just help them see what they already know a bit clearer. And, I had also decided that although I didn’t want to scare them, I was most certainly not going to lie – about anything.
So, I looked my fabulous favorite boy right in the eyes and said, “Well, let’s just be honest here, you worry about all of that too, right? I mean, your mom didn’t invent that worry – you think about that too and it’s freakin’ stressful, right?!” He and a few others nodded dramatically. And instantly his entire body language changed. I hadn’t said much of anything yet but all of a sudden his eyes softened and he just looked relaxed. And I realized right then, more than anything, that just by being there, just by sitting in this room with these kids, I was validating them. All of them. All of it. Not just their experiences or their confusion or fears or sexual identities – but all of it. I was proof that what they were going through was really, really hard and most importantly, that it was all very real.
I smiled at all of their sweet, attentive faces and took a deep breath. “So, here’s the deal. Here’s the truth. I have no idea how your life is going to go. But for me, in my life, I have lost friends after they found out I was gay. I have lost a job after I came out. And I know there are a few apartments I tried to rent and didn’t get because my roommate for a one bedroom was another girl. I know all of this for a fact.” And now I really had their attention. I was the adult that was telling them the truth and they were ready for whatever I had to say.
I took another deep breath and saw that even the two teachers were frozen, paying a sort of attention that I am not use to and I continued, “But here is what else I know for sure: I don’t have any place in my life for people that don’t want me. Yes, I have been surprised by a friend’s reaction and it totally hurt my feelings, a lot. But if someone doesn’t want to spend their time with me, for whatever reason – that is a big loss for them and what can I do about it anyway? I’m certainly not going to try and talk someone into liking me. And I will definitely meet other new people, the world is HUGE, let me tell you – it’s freaking HUGE- and I’ll make new friends, all of my life, and they’ll like all of me. My real friends celebrate and cherish who I am, all of me, because that is what friends do and I deserve that!.. And why would I want to rent a home that doesn’t want me in it? You know how many places there are to live?! I will find one that wants me. I always have. And I would NEVER EVER want to work for a job that doesn’t get how fabulous I am. I am totally fabulous and I deserve to work for a place that totally gets that”… at which point my sweet boy interrupts with a snap, “You are fierce, girl. So fierce!”
I laughed and continued, “So, here’s the deal, your mom might be totally right, about all of it or maybe none of it, we can’t know. She doesn’t know, she just obviously loves you a lot and wants the world to be good to you. But we also can’t live in this constant state of fear of rejection either or we’ll never get anywhere, right? I mean, you might not get a job because you’re Mexican or I might not get it because I’m a girl, or maybe they won’t like something else about us. There are a million different reasons that the world will come up with to come down on us and make things hard and being gay is totally up for grabs that way. So? What do you do about that?”
It took them a second to realize I was asking them a question. “Seriously, what do YOU do about that? What have you done? What can you do? You certainly wouldn’t be in this club if you weren’t trying to do something about that.”
The other blushed-girl started to mumble, “I think it’s just about exposure. Like, if you’ve never met a gay person then maybe you’re afraid of them or something- but I don’t know why. They’re just people too. It’s totally weird that people say such stupid stuff about people when they don’t even know.”
My brain was screaming, “AAAAAAH! You totally get it! You are right on top of the entire philosophy and structure of the perpetuation of discrimination!” My mouth smiled big, which made her blush ever harder, and I said, “I think it’s about exposure too, like getting information before you decide on something. I think you are totally right.”
And we talked about that for a while. We talked about a lot of things. These kids are on it, they are so so ready to do good work. They decided they want to start a “That’s so gay” campaign, where they would do something about stopping that expression from being used so often in a discriminatory way at school. We also talked about t-shirts for the club, that one girl suggested should all be different colors of the rainbow. They told me what it was like to go to this school now and how there was a lesbian couple who had applesauce flung on them while holding hands in the hallway. They didn’t know who Mathew Sheppard was, so Marie told them that story. They also didn’t know Ellen was ever not out. So, then we talked about coming out and what that had been like for different folks. We talked about a lot and my heart was swooning the whole way through.
As the meeting started to wrap up the students asked, in an adorable, desperate, whiny, puppy way, if I would, “Please, please, pleeeeease come to another meeting soooooon!.” And I was flattered and said that of course I would.
I also said, “Before you all leave, I just want you guys to be totally sure, in case you weren’t or were wondering at all, that you are totally incredible and you have changed the whole entire world by starting this club. I mean, the whole entire world is a different and better place, in a huge way, just because of you guys. You made my life better even before we met today, just by starting this club. And you will never know exactly how many people you make feel better, how many lives you help, but I promise you it is way more than even the highest number you could possibly come up with and it will only continue to get bigger. It is an absolute privilege to have met you all today and to have been invited to this meeting. You are all my personal heroes and I am so impressed with all of you, for who you all are. So, thank you, very much.” To which my favorite fabulous boy flippantly said, “You too girl.”
And as they all started to leave to catch the last school bus, my favorite, fabulous boy was leaving the room when he so perfectly put the gay icing on the gay cake, “And, jesse… girl, you got yourself some goooood hair, by the way. Seriously. Fierce.”
(Looking for the line? Go to 3:18)
38 comments
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November 17, 2009 at 4:35 pm
zach
wow.
I got a little teary-eyed reading this.
I worked so damn hard to start a GSA in my high school back in 1999. I don’t think it exists anymore, but it was really important for me when we had it. I don’t want to ask and find out it’s not there; I’m too afraid that all of the shit we went through will have just…vanished.
I still hope that it does exist and that the kids are just as awesome as the folks you met. You rock for being brave enough to go back.
November 17, 2009 at 4:47 pm
jessejames
zach – WOW! Hurray for you! I admire you SO much!! And if and when you could handle knowing, if it is still there – maybe you could go there and talk with them? And if it doesn’t exist anymore, well, you obviously know how to start one – that could be an invaluable resource to the kids there… just food for thought. And thanks for reading.
November 17, 2009 at 4:58 pm
ladybrettashley
oooh! y’all are such rockstars – it’s all so lovely exciting. and fascinating in that i can’t really relate.
also, that is one of my top sexiest songs ever, and i had no idea it was so *gay*! =)
November 17, 2009 at 5:33 pm
sinclair
❤ ❤ ❤
this is so fantastic. so glad you wrote up some of what happened. totally inspires me to look up my own high school GSA and see what I can do for it.
I love the way you're weaving your own life & history in with what happened. & "Damn I wish I was your lover"? nice soundtrack 🙂
November 17, 2009 at 5:38 pm
Kristen
oh my god, i just got incredibly emotional reading this at the end of a long, stressful day. THIS IS SO IMPORTANT and i wish every gay kid had someone like you at their school.* i didn’t meet anyone who actually said, “yeah, i’m gay, and it’s hard and awesome” until i got to college. please keep doing this, please. i am gonna go tweet at ellen now so she can bring you on the show with the most kickass kids ever.
and wow, they didn’t know who matthew shepard was? we NEED this! we need intergenerational homo bonding, and they need to hear about our lives and our stories and we need it from 60 year olds too. i really do believe in queer family, and you are building that with these guys already. you are wonderful. xoxoxo
*ESPECIALLY SOMEONE WITH SUCH AMAZING HAIR.
November 17, 2009 at 6:29 pm
jessejames
Kristen, you already rock my world and have my heart, but compliments like this will only further your campaign into ultimate awesomeness. Thank you, sweet girl. I really appreciate it.
And YES!!! TWEET AND EMAIL ELLEN!!! She wanted to be on the cover of O magazine – I want to be on her show for 2 minutes! Just two little tiny minutes to spread tolerance in schools through GSA clubs!!! Seems totally reasonable, no?!?!
Everyone!!! Start a tweet and email brigade!!! Help jesse james spread tolerance in schools through GSA clubs on the Ellen show!!!
November 18, 2009 at 8:27 am
e
“… intergenerational homo bonding…”
Kristen, you are so right! OK, so I am 50 years old and one of my mom’s best friends came out in her 40’s — which was about 35 years ago. That’s important to me, and to my mom and to my daughter and to all of us. Yes, we definitely need intergenerational homo bonding! We need to know what battles have been fought, what the outcome was, and how we can keep moving forward.
I HEART MY QUEER FAMILY!!!
November 17, 2009 at 6:24 pm
kalisisrising
Wow, I actually teared up. You are so freaking awesome and those kids, well, they give me hope too. Thank you for sharing your fabulous experience with them – I am impressed at your courage in going back to the place that most of us hope we never see again and with your wit and composure. Amazing.
🙂
November 17, 2009 at 6:54 pm
FG
there was a gsa at my school after we graduated, but it fizzled out & i’m not sure it’s back. my little sister, a straight ally, actually helped get it going. you’ve inspired me to look into whether or not it still exists. the teacher who advised it was out (the first out teacher there) and got his tires slashed in the parking lot. he eventually left, unsurprisingly.
recently i spent some time with some amazing older lesbians, some in their 80s, and we all talked about our first girl crushes on celebrities. hearing them talk about it was so awe-inspiring — passing our stories along is really important in a community that has a hard time finding representations of ourselves.
i can’t even imagine how i would have felt (and blushed!) if you had walked into my high school and validated me. now i’m swooning too.
November 17, 2009 at 7:00 pm
Jess
Go Jesse GO!
I’m proud of you, buddy. That had to be such an amazing experience and I too will tweet @ellen. That would make an awesome show!
Jess
November 17, 2009 at 8:46 pm
jessejames
Thanks for the support, buddy! And yes, please tweet @TheEllenShow! and let her know how important this is! The more tweets the mo’ better!
November 17, 2009 at 7:56 pm
tongue-tied
seriously seriously righteous!
i’m proud to be on the same planet w/you
November 17, 2009 at 8:17 pm
jessejames
Um, ditto!
November 17, 2009 at 9:48 pm
Femme Gender
Oh my goodness, I can’t even begin to imagine what it would have been like to have a GSA at my school. Let alone a visit from one such as you JJ!
Admirable stuff, keep up the fine work.
fimg X
November 17, 2009 at 9:52 pm
jessejames
Aw, thanks, fimg! My new kick is to ask folks to see if their old HS has one… why not, right? Do you know if yours has one? I would have flipped to have someone as fabulous as you show up to a meeting!
November 18, 2009 at 12:33 am
aneke
That was an awesome piece of writing.
Thank you for sharing, I really enjoyed reading that. And I think you’re going to be those kid’s hero for the rest of your life
November 18, 2009 at 2:50 am
Caitlin
Thank you for these words. They bring tears to my eyes.
And now, a small token of appreciation for you. For your courage, your heart, your gift. For being the one who says yes, and for showing others that it’s possible.
November 18, 2009 at 5:48 pm
jessejames
WOW. I am speechless. I have had quite a day, I might add, so thank you a little bit more than you could have realized- for the best thing I’ve heard all day. That was just totally beautiful.
November 18, 2009 at 5:47 am
greg
I read this post slowly, with my face just a few inches from the screen, and of course it didn’t take long to get all emotional. I love what you did for those kids. I love that you have forever changed their world. How do you do all that and somehow managed to make it a funny read? Perfection.
“Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion” Oh hell yes, I just quoted Steel Magnolias. It fits right now.
P.S. – I totally was digging on your hair when you were here. You got some style, Jesse James.
November 18, 2009 at 8:35 am
e
Good for you, jj, for going back and extending a hand to the youngsters coming up. My high school doesn’t exist anymore so there’s no going back for me.
What a great storyteller you are, and you have a great story to tell. I’m so impressed! You absolutely validated those kids’ lives. There’s no way to know the long term effects of your visit, but I would bet that in 50 years those kids will remember you.
You know, I’d really love to see a picture of your fabulous hair! And speaking of fabulous, let’s get you and Cher on Ellen at the same time. They’re buds, right? I’m off to tweet…
November 18, 2009 at 9:09 am
jessejames
I just read this and clapped my hands like a dumb little kid. Um, you have the best idea that has ever been!
November 18, 2009 at 9:32 am
e
Well, i just tweeted and went to her website and suggested it…. now I’ll have to bookmark that page and deluge her with jesse/cher requests. Then I’ll get to see your fabulous hair!
November 18, 2009 at 9:51 am
konnio
Hmmm, very interesting … I really enjoy your blog
November 18, 2009 at 11:11 am
acg
This is (and you are) awesome and totally inspiring. I want to go down to VA and do the same thing at my HS now, except that my hair is not as fabulous so it would not be precisely the same thing.
November 19, 2009 at 7:50 am
JMc
Just brilliant, made me cry a bit. You and that little group of kids have precipitated change in my life too today…ripples of good.
November 20, 2009 at 9:25 pm
theitidentityandme
I loved this post. Hell, I just love your blog.
But I didn’t have enough words for a comment, so in light of my own self expression I’ve started my own blog with the first post being in response to this.
Anyway, thanks for this post and keep writing.
– Cal.
November 22, 2009 at 7:39 pm
G
You ARE fierce.
I think back to when I was in high school, and it would’ve meant so much to have any kind of visible role model in my life. Don’t ever underestimate what you mean to those kids.
December 2, 2009 at 1:54 pm
post the gsa post « just like jesse james
[…] response to my GSA post, the emails, the comments, the conversations I am having, I couldn’t have imagined. Just by […]
December 3, 2009 at 6:40 am
stumbling onto fabulousness part 1: finding haviland « just like jesse james
[…] second post on going to my old high school’s new GSA club meeting was up for a few days when all of a sudden it got a big ol’ spike in attention (this is […]
December 3, 2009 at 12:59 pm
~k
just (finally) got around to remembering to look for the potentially-2nd-part of this post. so glad it exists!
like others have already noted, your presence and willingness to be visible and honest and true with these kids – invaluable.
sometimes the most important thing is to witness the survival. to know that others have gone through the scary, emotional, heartbreaking times, and made it out the other side as successful, loving, happy, whole beings. who have found love. friends who accept us. families, chosen and otherwise. community. people to come *home* to. safe spaces to land amongst the jagged edges.
because who among us hasn’t felt, at some point on that rollercoaster (be it at 15 or 55) like we can’t? or we won’t? or even don’t want to?
as they give you hope for the future of our societies – how their choices and words and passion will carry us into a new world – you gave them hope for their own futures. a reminder of what can-be, no matter what is-now.
isn’t it fantastic how that works? the cycle of positive reinforcement, so strong…and the ripple effect? immeasurable.
just wow.
~k
December 3, 2009 at 1:19 pm
jessejames
Wow, ~k, can I quote that at some point? “the cycle of positive reinforcement, so strong…and the ripple effect? immeasurable.” with full credit, of course. I love that. Perfectly said.
‘Immeasurably’ is one of my very favorite words and you used it beautifully.
Thanks for the wonderful comment.
December 4, 2009 at 1:19 pm
~k
sure – go big! (i can be famous via you…hooray!) *grin*
you are most-welcome for the comment; thanks for the blog! (mutual admiration society meets Friday afternoons…)
also, just so you know: as an English teacher, i appreciate your appreciation of good words. (too little of that in today’s chat-world…so sad!)
in solidarity,
~k
(btw, ~k on blog = grrlchild on twitter. we’re one and the same. i follow.)
January 28, 2010 at 5:35 am
building bridges « just like jesse james
[…] on Marcus or Fraidy or Violet or the Seal. Or all of the wonderful emails and comments about my visiting the new GSA club at my old haunted high school posts, one email about how you are going to write one of your high school teachers and thank them for […]
March 2, 2010 at 12:30 pm
ash-a-frash
jesse, it’s so great that you went back to talk to those kids! queer youth always need positive role models, and you seem to be a great pick because you care, but also because you’re not going to sugar-coat things. you’re honest, but in a way that’s appropriate and makes sense and that’s something that’s only just starting to happen. i was one of only a handful of kids who started the gsa at my middle school, and on our very first day of silence, we nearly got ourselves expelled for sticking up for ourselves. we had no teacher coordinator or school psychologist to help us plan meetings or smooth things over with the principal. in fact, i’m not even sure if the gsa continued once we left. this makes me want to go back and see if a). there is a gsa, and b). whether there is or isn’t, if i can help them (get started, if need be). thanks for the wake up call, so to speak! and thanks for being there for those kids!
March 3, 2010 at 6:05 am
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[…] was when I was 12. I came out to myself at 15. That time it was Sophie B. Hawkins’ fault but that was ok, I was kind of ready, or at least ready as I’d ever […]
March 12, 2010 at 9:49 am
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November 3, 2010 at 7:13 pm
jesse james meets the GSA (part 1 of 2) « just like jesse james
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November 13, 2010 at 3:59 am
Angela
So, I know this is a year after you have posted this story, but I just started reading your blog tonight and I wanted to tell you what an awesome story this was. Thank you for sharing. I got teary eyed reading about your interaction with the kids in that group. I think it’s so important how connected we all are and that we are here to learn from one another. What a fantastic example. You know those kids will never forget that experience, just like you won’t either. We have the ability to help shape people’s lives positively.
I can’t wait to keep reading.
p.s. I love that song!