I was chatting with greg yesterday, and like we do, we went from a to z in all matters that matter to us. One of these matters was my totally disparaging outlook on ever getting a job that I will actually want and that will actually pay me what I think I am worth. Confucius says, “Choose a job that you love and you will never have to work a day in your life.” This is my goal, always has been. It sounds great, easy even.

Well folks, don’t be fooled. This whole economic crisis and high unemployment rate thing is no exaggeration. They are not kidding! I keep finding jobs that look (slightly) interesting,  scroll through the requirements, realize that I am indeed qualified, get to the bottom of the page and they then offer some totally unlivable wage… “depending on experience.” Really?!? With some of these rates I could get paid more raking leaves! The 9 year old down the street made more this fall raking leaves! I am not trying to sound pretentious about money, I am quite the opposite really, but I deserve to make enough to make ends meet, right? And with the wages being offered my ends would never see each other, let alone meet.

So, greg and I were chatting about what I should do with my life. We started high on the Forbes top paying jobs list and worked our way down. First on the list: Brain surgeon. I will now quote our chat exactly:

me: Should I just be a brain surgeon?

greg: I hear there’s good money there.

me: I could work 2 hours a week and make more than I use to I bet

greg: Yes, yes.

me: But I would have to work with brains and that is kind of gross.

greg: Squishy.

me: Yes, and squishy. Yuck. Ok, no on that one.

Greg’s next idea: Feet.

greg: How are you with feet?

me: How do you mean?

greg: Can you work with feet somehow??

me: I mean, feet have a high potential for gross too.

greg: But not of the squishy variety.

me: No, but I fear some could actually be more yucky than a squishy brain.

greg: So, no smelly things…

me: Oooh. ok, to answer your question, no feet! No smelly stuff.

greg: No squishy, no smelly… ok.

And then, well, fill in your own blanks on this one:

me: Well, not all squishy is bad.

greg: Right. how are you with silicone?…  or is it saline now?

me: Ha!

So, then I admitted that I’m not so into the sciency stuff, which sort of rules out almost everything that we were talking about and anything that is going to make me any money. So, big money is out. Squishy grossness is out. And feet are out.

Next, she asked me, “Well, what is it that you just want to do?”

That was easy to answer.

me: I just want to write a weekly column for some newspaper or magazine about something gay or snarky or political and get paid really well… like Carry Bradshaw

greg: Gay And The City

me: I want to be the dyke-Carry-Bradshaw. YES!

greg: Or Fabulously Gay And The City

me: Will you be one of the girls I have martinis with regularly?  I will need two others.

greg: I would. I need to solidify my role though…

me: Fabulously Gay And The City! You got it! Perfect.

greg: Am I stylish?

me: Yes. You can be the stylish one.

greg: Can I be the stylish eccentric one? Or goofy?

me: Yes. Perfect. Well, you can’t be both eccentric and goofy.

greg: Right.

me: That is like trying to be Blanche and Rose…

greg: That’s what I always had trouble with.

me: Would never work…

greg: I’ll work on it… nail it down.

me: Well, now that my life’s career is solved. Whew.

greg: Whew.

me: Feels good.

greg: These chats work.

me: Dont they though.

So! There you have it. All problems solved and on to the details of the matter. And once I get contracted for a fabulously popular column and this weekly article is so totally famous that they want to make a show about me, starring me, it is going to be called Fabulously Gay And The City. As you just read, greg will be one of my three good girlfriends that I will frequently go out with, all dolled up and ready to drink over-priced foofy martinis in untouchable, hip bars, restaurants and clubs in and around New York City (I am willing to relocate for this.) I will hold a casting call for the other two, just as soon as I get this contract!

Having this all figured out is a huge relief, let me tell you. The only hole to fill is the actual contract deal for the writing gig. But that is no biggie, right? All I need now is for some highly connected person to run into this post, contact me and offer me a job with some newspaper, magazine, online zine, or some sort of popular public media source that could use an edgy, witty, informed, original, versatile columnist for a weekly write up… that pays a livable wage. I could totally learn how to be all of those things. This just doesn’t seem so impossible, does it?

Well, I will keep you posted on the prospects and other random happenings in all of the mean time, of course, like I do.